Surviving loving an addict & the side effects of bath salt
Its not an easy life. Its been rough but this year is absolutely hell. Bath salts were legal, still actually are. There is a chemical they use that is what they are trying to ban. Stores are just in fear of ordering it. But little known fact, they still do. It was fun, made things easier to deal with, laugh, smile, have a few moments of life not breaking you down.
Started as sniffing. Then smoking. Thats where I was with knowing anything. Didnt know you could inject the sh*t. Im against it. I dont judge, its your business what you do, its just not for me & I wont be around it. Little did I know my boyfriend of many years and kids later was doing it. Hidden from me & lied about. It was scary., After he finally could admit to me, It made sense. The side effects, theyr’re real. All the things the doctors post or have concern with. Trust me, its scary.
Unprovoked violence from someone who has never been violent or rough with you.. Anger. Rage. Hate. Insecurities made clear. Hallucinations. Delusions. Blaming someone for what you are doing. Accusing. Deep seeded crap in your conscience. Hearing things that are not there. Its like being around a paranoid skitzo (cant spell it). People in walls & hiding in cars? I stuck it through. Not for him, the kids, or just because. I stayed because I love him.
Unconditional love is not judgmental. He needed me, he was sick. He couldnt survive without me. He would have died. I did what I could but always felt I was disappointing him & not strong enough to help. But I was stronger & more than wonderful. There are few of us out there that can tell you these things, no one could imagine the pain, hurt, abuse that I endured because of this drug. After the first incident, no one would have stayed. Its hard. But overcoming that feeling of run, isnt hard. I never actually got it. The lies were the worst.
Watching the person you love slowly killing themself is a hard experience to explain. I have hidden it all from everyone. Only a few know what was happening. He went to jail. It saved his life. Suicidal thoughts come with injecting it. And overdosing is always the risk. I lived in fear, I was afraid every minute of every day. Stalked at one point. Taking a consequence for someone elses actions. Being placed on a stage, embarrassed, searched, lied about, stripped for “hiding” or stealing their salt, accused of the worst things, made to be someone you are not, put down, mentally losing it, emotionally scarred, told you are everything you are not, physically abused, beat up, ashamed, scared, being faithful when its not been the same from them, hurt, broken, subjected to being alone, no friends, family clueless, keeping the secrets that would devastate so many, giving so much, losing more than imaginable, forgetting how to smile or laugh, I cant even go anymore.
Its vicious what this stuff does to someones mind & body. As soon as the needle was used, I knew. It changes people, a complete 180. The signs are clear as soon as they do it, every time. No question. Just know, I wouldnt change it. He needed me & I never turned my back on him. I am the only person he has. Dont walk away, try. And if you get to a point when you know you have to go, dont stay. It could be the difference between you breathing or missing. I was afraid for my life at a point. Not just with him, but others that were fiends. People killing for the stuff. People being lost to the addiction.
If you feel you are in danger, its time to separate yourself to get safe. Now he is sober. I never had a moment of wanting to run. I could have. I was nothing but honest & faithful. I protected the drug from being known, him from everyone knowing the terrible truth of what was really going on. It made me stronger. Smarter. Closer to him. More aware. A better person. Finding more of myself than I knew or thought would ever be there. I learned so much. Its scary but those who stick it through, you arent alone. There are a few of us out there. They wont believe you, deny its the stuff doing it, causing it. They will ignore the truth saying its a lie. Excuses for days. But there are people who understand.
I didnt know or realize it until I found that I needed to speak up. My way of dealing & confronting it was writing a letter. I wrote to bath salt. I layed it all out. I poured my feelings & the bullsh*t out & anger. It was a relief in some ways. I could let out my deepest secrets & my life of hell was put out. Its a weight you cant keep buried inside. Be strong, you are not weak.