Road To Recovery – Is Abstinence The Only Way?
What Does My Road To Recovery Look Like These Days?
My road to recovery has changed a lot over the past 10+ years. When I first got sober, AA/NA was the most important part of my recovery. It was a way for me to meet people going through exactly what I was going through. There are a lot of things I don’t love about AA/NA, but it really got and kept me sober for a while.
After a few years, I stopped going to meetings. I spent a long time going to meetings every day, chairing meetings, helping newcomers, working with a sponsor, and just overall being very involved in the program. It served me well, and to this day, the first recommendation I would give someone who is struggling with addiction is to check out some meetings. It helped me build a solid foundation going forward in my recovery.
After a while, it ended up feeling like more of a burden than anything else. I dreaded going to meetings. I was sick of hearing people’s war stories. I was sick of working with a sponsor and going through steps that didn’t feel beneficial to me. So I stopped going. I was scared to stop going because for years, people in AA told me that if I ever stopped going to meetings, I would end up in jail or dead.
AA Just Wasn’t Working For Me
The assertion that a 12 step program is the ONLY way to get and stay sober is just absurd and untrue. There’s seldom a one size fits all solution for people, and sobriety isn’t any different. Meetings are a fantastic first step to getting sober, but for me, that’s all it was – just a step to move forward with my life.
Once I stopped going to meetings, I focused on school, exercise, and just doing the right thing. When I said I was going to do something, I did it. When I said I was going to be somewhere, I was there. I did my best just to be a good person and not drink or do drugs, which worked for me for a while. I didn’t have cravings to drink or use drugs. I didn’t go crazy and end up dead because I stopped going to meetings. I lived my life fairly normally and successfully.
After 6 years of complete abstinence from all drugs and alcohol, I decided I would start drinking again. That was a little more than 4 years ago. My wife and I discussed this extensively, and I also talked with my therapist about it many times. We talked about why I wanted to start drinking again and what it would look like.
My Road To Recovery Started at 20yo and Has Changed A Lot
When I first got sober, I was 20 years old – I wasn’t even able to drink legally yet. I know that I drank too much when I was younger, there’s no question. I blacked out, I drove drunk, I did horrible, stupid things when I was drinking. I’m definitely not saying that I had a healthy relationship with alcohol. I didn’t. But I was also in such a different place in my life. I wanted to be able to go out with friends and have a drink. I wanted to be able to have a glass of wine with dinner. I recognize that some people will NEVER be able to do this. I felt like drinking was something I could now safely do, so I decided to give it a try.
I also recognize that this is, or could be, very dangerous for a lot of people, myself included. It’s really easy to slip back into active addiction. One drink twice a week turns into a couple of drinks a few times a week, which turns into 5 drinks every night, which turns into some drugs here and there, which turns into using drugs every day, etc. I know the progression because I have lived it. I just felt like I wasn’t in that place anymore – I believed that I would be able to control my drinking and not let it get out of control.
I don’t recommend this, and it’s not something I would suggest to anyone else. This is a deeply personal decision with the potential to have extreme consequences. I suggest that you talk to your friends, loved ones, and therapist or professional of some kind. Come up with a plan that you all feel will work for you.
I felt very conflicted about drinking again because of what I had been taught in AA. I was told from the very beginning that abstinence and AA was the only thing that works.
My identity was so linked to being sober. I worried about what other people might think, especially the people I knew from recovery and going to meetings/outpatient groups. Ultimately, I decided to do what I wanted to do and what I felt was right for me.
4.5 Years Later
It has been about 4.5 years since I started drinking again. I don’t think I will ever be a ‘normal’ drinker, to be perfectly honest. Since I started drinking again, I am always very conscious of my drinking, and I am very intentional about it. I think about what and how much I’m going to drink before I do it.
My partner knows about my past issues with alcohol and knows that I have to be careful with drinking. I speak with my therapist about it often. I’ve had the same therapist for 15 years, so she’s been there and been through it with me. There have been times where I felt like I started to drink too much, so I cut back. I talk to my friends, my partner, and my therapist about it and make a plan.
It might sound like starting to drink again has caused more trouble and headache than anything else, but I don’t feel that way. There might be a day sometime in the future where I decide not to drink anymore – I don’t know. I’m open to that, but I don’t feel abstinence is something I need like I did 10 years ago.
I recognize that denial is such a huge part of addiction, and I talk about this often as well. How will I know if I get to a point where the drinking is out of control? If I need help again, will I be able to ask for it? The only answer I have is that I’ve tried to put enough support in place in my life that if I need help, it’s easy to get it.
I don’t really like talking about my recovery these days. Sometimes I feel kind of like a fraud because I’m not 100% sober anymore. But this is my story, and this is what has worked for me. I don’t think complete abstinence is the answer for everyone. I don’t think we should be telling young people (or any people) that the only way to get sober is through AA and complete abstinence. We shouldn’t be telling people that if they stop going to meetings, they’re going to die.
We can and probably should encourage abstinence and a 12 step program, but there are other ways to get healthy and change your relationship with alcohol. I think we should encourage people to explore their drinking, even if they don’t have a desire to be completely sober (yet).
August 12th, 2010 is the day I went to rehab. I guess it’s not really my clean/sobriety date because I’m not entirely sober, but it’s still a really important day. It’s the day that turned my life around. It’s the last day that I was truly in active addiction, and that’s really important to me. When I walked into rehab that day, it was not by choice. My parents and my partner at the time insisted. Even though I didn’t want to be there, that day and the time I spent in rehab changed my life significantly. So that date will forever be one of the most important days of my life.
There will always be people that judge my journey and think that they know better. That’s fine. I’m the one who has to live with my decisions.
Stay true to yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Do what works for YOU. And if you don’t know what works, be willing to explore your drinking/drug use/behaviors and take advice from people who have been where you are. For some people, total abstinence truly is the only way.