Alcohol Addiction Recovery: Going on a Cruise – by mom, 2011
A Cruise Vacation During Alcohol Addiction Recovery
Years before Rae began her alcohol addiction recovery, we figured out that cruises were our favorite type of vacation. So, it sounded quite exciting when, last fall, my oldest son proposed we go on a midwinter cruise during spring break of his last year of law school. We have not been on a cruise for four or five years, and he found a great deal on one. So, we all signed up.
During the six months since signing up, Rae and I have both mentioned, on more than one occasion, how different it was going to be for us to be sober throughout a cruise. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it or not, but I gave up alcohol the day Rae gave up alcohol almost two years ago. I did so in support of her alcohol addiction recovery and sobriety. Also, even though I never considered myself an alcoholic, I admit that I usually ended up having too many once I started drinking and would tend to get too affectionate or too depressed or too angry, etc. I had no trouble giving it up and discovered I actually preferred sober living.
We Had Never Been On A Cruise While Sober
However, every cruise we had ever been on had been experienced through a haze of alcohol, just as it was for everyone else on the cruise. We knew prior to coming that this would be different.
In all honesty, I worried from time to time that it might not be the best thing for Rae to be around all the drinking and alcohol on a cruise while she is in alcohol addiction recovery. I mentioned it to her a few times, but she seemed quite confident that it wouldn’t be a problem and that she would still have fun.
I also thought that I would have a great time just being with my children, away from work, and taking part in all the fun activities that I had always enjoyed on cruises.
As we set sail for the first time since Rae began her alcohol addiction recovery, things were very different. Instead of drinking exotic drinks with little umbrellas in them and dancing to the live band as we started on our adventure, we sipped Diet Cokes and sat looking on as our fellow cruisers ordered round after round of alcoholic beverages.
We watched them dance and laugh and sing, losing themselves completely to the power of alcohol. As much as I hate to admit it, everyone looked like they were having a better time than we were.
At one point, I looked across the table and saw my son’s drink, recognizing exactly what it was because in the past, we always drank the same thing. For one split second, I wanted to ask him for one sip. It looked very inviting. But I knew one sip would only make me want another and I didn’t want to break the resolution I had made to myself the day Rae gave up alcohol. Not only have I wanted to show my support for her, but I also don’t find it reasonable to expect more of her than I do of myself. I ordered another Diet Coke.
Then, we were off to dinner. Dinner had always been a really fun occasion for us while on a cruise. Cocktails before dinner, bottles of wine with dinner, after dinner drinks, and then those crazy little shot glasses for fun. Who could remember what we actually ate!
Well, once again the picture was really different through the lens of alcohol addiction recovery. No cocktails, no wine, no after dinner drinks, and no shots. The food was okay, the service was good, and we had a lovely table located right on the water.
So why didn’t I feel happy? And why didn’t Rae look as if she was having a good time? We have had many fun times at home since the beginning of her alcohol addiction recovery – from going out to dinner, to going shopping and going to the movies …. Why was this different?
We Tried To Go To An AA Meeting
After dinner, Rae, Sam and I went to the chapel for one of the cruise’s AA meetings. We thought it would be a somewhat organized meeting, that there would be someone leading the meeting.
Unfortunately, this was not true. Only two other people showed up for the meeting and there was no one in charge. We had never been to AA meetings on board a cruise ship before. During prior cruises, I remember always hearing announcements about friends of Bill W meeting in a certain area, several times a day.
I guess I never really even knew who Bill W was or what a Bill W meeting was. But, now that I knew about them, I thought it would be interesting to go to one and I thought it would be an organized well-run event. After all, my daughter certainly could not have been the only one in alcohol addiction recovery on the ship who might need support to fight her cravings, especially being surrounded by all of the alcohol on a cruise.
The few of us that showed up introduced ourselves to each other, chatted briefly, and agreed that we hoped there would be a bigger turnout the next day. In the hallway outside the chapel, Rae and I sat and talked for a few minutes. She voiced what I had been thinking ever since boarding the ship: She was wondering if it had been a mistake to spend money on a cruise when it seemed that cruises are mainly for the inebriated, and she wasn’t having much fun.
As she and Sam left to walk around the ship, I remained sitting there, feeling exactly the same way. Not only was I feeling a bit lonely because I had come with all my children and the older two were in pairs and my youngest was off having fun with the youth group, but now I was also worried about Rae.
I have never handled it very well seeing my children even the least bit unhappy. What in the world was I going to do for seven more days, and more importantly, what was Rae going to do for seven more days? What was our problem? Was it the lack of alcohol? Was it the fear of alcohol? Could it be that we had just been on too many cruises and they had become boring?
Day 2 & 3 Of Alcohol Addiction Recovery On Our Cruise:
Day two started out a bit brighter. I woke up to Rae pounding on my door playfully. When I opened the door I found her smiling and happily bouncing around on her way to the gym. I was overjoyed to see her looking as if she was happy to be on the cruise in spite of the other passengers drowning in alcohol around us while she fights to stay in alcohol recovery. It appeared that our second day at sea would be much happier than our first.
However, as the day wore on, her mood declined. Rae said she was having great difficulty with seasickness. I spent my time hoping that was the truth and that she wasn’t just feeling down because she couldn’t drink and party like she had in the past, because she was fighting to stay in alcohol recovery.
She mentioned taking Dramamine for her motion sickness and that drove terror to my heart. The last time Rae took a medication other than a simple Advil or Tylenol, it was pain medication following the removal of her wisdom teeth. I had begged the dentist not to prescribe pain medication. I informed him about her status as a recovering addict, discussing honestly the battle of her alcohol recovery and drug addiction recovery. He gave it anyway. She took it and her cravings never stopped after that. They got worse and worse until she overdosed on cocaine and almost died and ended up in rehab. The thought of her taking Dramamine, or any medication for that matter, terrifies me …especially now, when she is in alcohol recovery and surrounded by all the alcohol on a cruise.
Anyway, throughout the second day, she appeared to feel more and more ill until, by dinner time, she and Sam retreated to their cabin. The rest of the family went off to their various events and I found myself sitting alone watching the evening show. Needless to say, my mood has been steadily declining also. I am still overly affected by what is going on with my children. And I’m not sure my mood was very good since the beginning of the cruise in the first place. I was battling my own feelings of being single and alone on a cruise. Everyone else seemed to be in pairs. The time that I thought I would spend with my youngest had dwindled to nothing because he was having so much fun in the youth group. Don’t get me wrong – I was definitely happy about that. I have always put my kids happiness ahead of my own whether that’s right or wrong.
At least that’s what I have always thought I did. But Rae straightened me out again tonight at dinner as she has done more than once in the past. Someone brought the subject up about a time we had been on a cruise with my ex-husband, Rae’s stepfather.
My relationship with him in general had been fairly miserable and so had our time together during the cruise. Rae made a face and said something to the effect of how my relationship with him had always put a damper on things. I said, “Well, at least it didn’t last very long. Just two or three years that we were together.” Rae’s response to that was, “Well, you were together long enough to ruin my childhood.”
I have to admit, that took my already depressed mood down several notches. I have blamed myself for Rae’s problems, I have listened to her blame me, and I have asked for forgiveness. I have tried to forgive myself. I have heard her mention many times and I have read many different books about the importance in AA of forgiving. Yet here we are again, both of us blaming me.
Nature Or Nurture?
However, last night at dinner, Rae had a discussion with her brother and me about how important the role of genetics is in alcoholism and drug addiction. If her problem is a result of genetics, it didn’t come from me or my side of the family. So, which is it? Genetics, or what my life did to her? I’m confused. Sometimes I feel like I’m back at square one, trying to learn all over again, and feeling that I’ve learned nothing during Rae’s alcohol recovery and drug addiction recovery.
I’m very willing to accept all the blame for anything and everything that I’m responsible for, but I don’t know what else I can do. Since I can’t change things in the past, I can only apologize and try to do better in the future. I have tried hard to do better and I have been there for her. And I believe I am there for her and will be there for her in any way, in every way, forever. What else can I do?
It is now the end of day three and I have retreated to my room to escape the partiers with their cute little umbrellas, HUGE beer cans, slurred speech, and big happy grins …and have just about definitely concluded that a cruise is not the place to be for someone in alcohol recovery, someone who doesn’t drink, or someone who is traveling without a partner.
Onward to Disney World tomorrow. Maybe that will be more our pace!