Relapse

By Valerie, from Vorhees, NJ

 I’ve been going through a lot it’s been 2 weeks I’ve been using heroin again and before that I was clean for almost a year I have almost 10 months but the almost isn’t what matters. it’s a fact that my moment of weakness brought me to a place that I did not want to be. Besides the fact that I hurt the love in my life I, scared him made him cry , but, he still stood by me and stands by me but, I continue to us the devils kiss of heroin  behind his back. Today I went to get more more drugs. I went to get more trouble ,more destructiveness ,more bad behavior and everything that heroin brings. I sure as hell got everything but the drug but I got everything that comes along with it that is terrible. The dealers wouldn’t deal to me so after contemplations i was leaving the city and  I got pulled over.

luckily the police didn’t find anything on me because I had nothing on me. I talked I told them who is dealing to me. If they know I talk ,if the dealers ever know  I talked ,I’m done killed shot down in the streets of Camden New Jersey that’s how it is there but I talk because I know I’m not going back I know that I’m done and I’m leaving them behind that’s not what I want anymore so you know what I told the cop told him everything I knew I’m not a snitch I would never be a snitch but here’s the real deal.

The real deal is I made a mistake I went back I got lucky the cops let me go . I let them search my car legally and while they were searching I was hoping that there wasn’t a bag I left behind it was empty or something then I just was careless about and left my heart was racing as I was watching them tear my car apart I couldn’t believe I was stuck in the middle of all of the snow-covered streets.   all around me and drug addicts watched and drug dealers right down the street . the dealers or someone ratted on me saying I was harassing them. I’m not sure who it was a cop said that I said i fit a description that someone reported that I was looking for drugs. you know what these 2 guys  stopped me going back to my car and asked if i wanted dope and I said yes dumb as hell. I should have said no but I was desperate I said yes.

so anyway that’s what I was thinking about why the cops were searching my car when they finish they found nothing they let me go with a seatbelt ticket but they let me go with more than that they let me go with my dignity but let me go with my pride and they let me go with a warning. I came back home and I took three suboxin I don’t feel sick because of that. So there’s this other guy that I care about besides my boyfriend. Ironically I’m mentioning him first maybe because he’s on my mind more than other things right now but his name is pauly and he was really sick today. he’s a dope head just like me and I can’t keep away from him . There is something about him. he never gives me drugs or tries to get me to do them but I like being around him because he doesn’t make me feel like I’m doing something majorly wrong

he’s a good person and there’s no danger and being around him. Months ago when I was with Paul I had sex with pauly. Yep my boyfriend’s name is Paul and pauly is the guy I cheated on paul with. Anyways I liked it . I liked the sex a lot.I liked to make love to him more than anyone that I have had sex with in a long time.  there was something different there I don’t know what it was but there’s definitely a chemistry between us and I really like it.  its really strong and I’m really wired to him. So  my boyfriends going to come home and he’s going to ask me to delete him from Facebook so I don’t talk to him anymore he’s going to ask me to delete him from my phone. This is the truth I don’t want to I am NOT going to. But I don’t know what to say so he won’t get mad at me.

I have such an interesting and crazy life I don’t really tell anybody what I speak about it any ordinary person would probably be more than entertained to have someone like this in their life. To hear about the things that I go through on a day to day basis are more than interesting. Oh yeah then there’s that I’m keeping it from my mother and my sister who also lives with right now. You don’t have any idea of my mom always has her suspicions. My mom is in aa program and she knows about my use prior to this. The breaks my heart I don’t like Who I am when I’m using. I don’t like the things that happen when I use. It don’t like any of that. But I also don’t like to be told what you do and that’s exactly what I’m looking forward to tonight. My boyfriend coming home and telling me exactly what to do what is good for me what upsets him what I need to do it goes on infinitely there’s no end I swear to the ends of time he will be telling me who I can and cannot talk to it’s a vicious cycle of him snooping through my phone constantly which starts with him in the wrong and then it just keeps going and going and going and going forever and ever.

Should I lie to him you should tell him the truth? Then also today I brought pauly some suboxone and I got to see him we sat in my car and we talked and he looks really cute even when he’s sick and when his little mustache is funny looking he still has this really cool energy that I like to be around its intricate its hard to explain it but I enjoyed being with him I tried to keep talking to keep him intrested I knew you wanted to leave because he was sick the tried to keep him there but in time of course he has to leave. So wanted to start my blog out with the day in my life this was the first day of my blog everyday is something else. The cover page I don’t want it to be an intro about myself you can gather the kind of person that I am I reading this. You can figure out how I work why would I tell you what happens and how I respond to it so I’m not going to tell you Who I am you can figure it out for yourself. After all the words are all here in front of you.